Your Imperfections are Safe Here!
I’ve always struggled with speaking up [childhood trauma], so I gained a hidden talent of having a way with words. However, this is not an attempt to hide my voice behind the pen. This is a blank canvas — the resting place of my thoughts, my experiences, my emotions, my fears, my creativity and more.
Let’s see where this goes.
I’ve inherited my father’s silence.
I am more expressive and find more safety in writing/typing because I have become mute — due to my father being mute in regards to me. The “I love you’s” that I never heard. The “I’m proud of you’s” I never heard. All forced me to become silent. Sunken in Silence. The yearn and hunger for my father’s voice when I needed it most has muzzled me. I’ve strived for achievement for years, but mainly just to hear my fathers voice. Due to wanting to please my father all my life, he created in me a performer. The way I determined love and proudness was based on the amount that I achieved. And when I didn’t achieve, I instantly visited failure — but mainly because in my mind I am losing love, and his gratitude. Not that he didn’t love me, I just never experienced how he expressed it. This forced me into the bondage of having trouble expressing myself. I learned the hard way, but only because of a heart that didn’t know how to speak up. This is something I struggled with emotionally, but never had language for — so, I buried it. I would say that my current level of vulnerability is self-taught, but I didn’t gain this by knowledge — I’ve gained this by forgiveness and grace. I’ve forgave my father for what he did not know. His lack of awareness and lack of ability. Sometimes we look at our parents and feel they are already complete, because we first learn of them as teachers, but I understood that he’s just a tree that needed the proper tools to grow, just as I did — except he didn’t have that. So, the cycle ends here. From me to you pops — I love you. I’m proud of you!
Silence keeps you in a place of danger without the possibility to be saved — but my voice WILL snatch me out of dark places. The game will be changed for generations to come.